What this episode is about
Colette joined me on Pleasure in the Pause to talk about her new book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love
Key takeaways
- Colette Jane Fehr says avoiding hard conversations can look like bickering over small things, stuffing feelings until they erupt, or criticism.
- Colette Jane Fehr says to notice body cues first when you're triggered, like a tight chest or throat. Then soothe yourself with self-validation and self-compassion.
- Colette Jane Fehr suggests agreeing on a signal or word in advance to call a timeout when you feel under threat. It can last 20 minutes or a day, and then you come back.
Moments from this episode
Word for word from the recording. Tap a time to hear it.
Stuffing it down ends in a volcano
“You stuff and you stuff, and you tell yourself it's no big deal. It's not worth bringing up, you're not really upset about it. And then eventually you've taken one too many things and you blow just like a volcano.”
Speaking up is self-care
“It's actually not really just about whether or not your relationship works out. It's really about taking care of yourself. It's a radical act of self-care and empowerment to exercise your voice.”
We are wired to say what's true
“We are also wired to say what's true. We're also wired to speak what feels real for us. It actually is ingrained in us that when we do it, it feels good in the body.”
The most important relationship
“Ultimately, this is really about your relationship with yourself, which is the most important relationship you have.”
“Have you ever found yourself choosing peace over truth in your relationship? Not because something dramatic happened, but because saying what you really feel feels harder than letting it go.”
Gabriella Espinosaat 0:55
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Show notes
What if the silence you've been keeping in your relationship is actually one of the most costly things you've ever done? In this episode of Pleasure in the Pause, host Gabriella Espinosa sits down with licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized relationship expert Colette Jane Fehr, author of The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love.
Together, they explore why so many midlife women silence their needs in relationships, how conflict avoidance quietly erodes intimacy and wellbeing, and what it actually takes to speak your truth in a way that creates deeper connection rather than more distance. If you've ever chosen peace over honesty and wondered why you still feel so alone, this conversation is for you.
Read the full show notesShow less
Colette Jane Fehr is a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized relationship expert. She’s the author of The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love and co-hosts the hit podcasts Insights from the Couch: Real Talk for Women at Midlife and Love Thy Neighbor: The Relationship Show. Her TEDx talk Secrets of a Couples Therapist was selected as a TED Editors’ Pick.
Highlights from our discussion include:
- Why conflict avoidance is not always silent and can show up as people pleasing, over-explaining, bickering, or emotional withdrawal.
- How early attachment experiences and the nervous system shape our communication patterns in adult relationships.
- What co-regulation is and why it is one of the most powerful tools for calming conflict and deepening connection.
- Colette's method of self-connected communication, speaking from a grounded, honest, compassionate adult self.
- How to build the muscle of speaking up starting with small, low-stakes conversations outside of your romantic relationship.
If this conversation stirred something in you, I want you to take one small action today. Take Colette's free communication style quiz here to discover how you show up in conflict, and pick up her new book The Cost of Quiet wherever books are sold.
If you're seeking to reclaim your pleasure and vitality, join Gabriella at pleasureinthepause.com for this enlightening journey into the heart of female pleasure and empowerment.
Are you ready to awaken your sensuality and feel more empowered in your body? Access the FREE Pleasure Upgrade Bundle at pleasureinthepause.com/gift.
CONNECT WITH COLETTE JANE FEHR:
Purchase The Cost of Quiet: colettejanefehr.com/new-book
Substack: colettejanefehr.substack.com
Instagram & TikTok: @colettejanefehr
Website: colettejanefehr.com
TEDx talk “Secrets from a Couples Therapist”: youtube.com/watch
CONNECT WITH GABRIELLA ESPINOSA:
About the guest
Colette Jane FehrLicensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized relationship expertGuest on this episode of Pleasure in the Pause.More about them
