What this episode is about
Dr. Maria Sophocles shares her expertise on bridging the "bedroom gap" and empowering midlife women to prioritize their sexual health and pleasure. Learn actionable strategies for reclaiming your right to satisfying sex after menopause.
Key takeaways
- Gabriella's first home play is a self-pleasure practice that skips the genitals. Use touch, smell, taste, sound, and movement. Your whole body is a pleasure zone.
- Dr. Sophocles names the bedroom gap: the difference in what partners expect and can do in bed at midlife. Having a name for it takes away some of the shame.
- Dr. Sophocles suggests taking orgasm and penetration off the table for a while, and having G-rated or PG-rated sex instead: cuddling, kissing, petting.
Moments from this episode
Word for word from the recording. Tap a time to hear it.
Most OBGYNs are not trained for this
“Of the practicing OBGYNs today, four out of five have almost no experience in menopause or sex. And that's why 75 percent of women who go to an OBGYN seeking help with menopause issues or sexual issues leave without answers.”
Old stereotypes shape the bedroom
“Gender stereotyping in the bedroom, where sex has really for millennia been about procreation and male sexual pleasure.”
Sex ed can teach mutual pleasure
“In the Netherlands, for example, sex ed for teenagers focuses on mutual sexual pleasure.”
Pleasure is more than genitals
“And so there are so many ways to open up those pathways to pleasure that's really not about going straight to the genitals or to penetration.”
“When we yearn and long for that deeper sense of connection and intimacy, we look past all the flaws.”
Gabriella Espinosaat 34:41
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Show notes
As a midlife woman, have you ever felt disconnected from your body, pleasure, and power?
You're not alone. Dr. Maria Sophocles, a renowned expert in gynecology, sexual medicine, and menopause, is on a mission to address what she terms the "bedroom gap" – the difference in sexual expectations and abilities that often arises in midlife relationships.
In this eye-opening interview, Dr. Sophocles shares her journey from traditional gynecologist to pioneering advocate for female sexual health. Drawing on her extensive research and clinical experience, she offers practical insights and actionable strategies to help women reclaim their right to sexual pleasure, no matter their age or stage of life.
Read the full show notesShow less
Discovering the Bedroom Gap: Dr. Sophocles' Path to Specialization
What led Dr. Sophocles to focus on the often-neglected topic of female pleasure in midlife? As she explains, "I was led there by my patients." After returning from a seven-year stint in Europe, she found herself disappointed by the lack of attention paid to menopause and sexual issues in traditional OBGYN practices.
Determined to provide a different level of care, Dr. Sophocles started her own practice with a commitment to truly listening to women's concerns. What she heard, over and over, was a sense of being unprepared for the sexual changes that accompany menopause:
"Women felt very ill prepared to understand menopause as a whole, but specifically the genital and sexual effects of menopause... No one had ever talked to them, not a mother, a sister, a friend, a professor, a gym teacher in 8th grade, and certainly not their doctors."
This realization set Dr. Sophocles on a path to specialize in the intersection of gynecology, menopause, and sexual health – a field she found sorely lacking in resources and expertise.
Understanding the Physiology of Pleasure: Why Sex Hurts and What to Do About It
One of the key topics Dr. Sophocles addresses in her work is the physical changes that can make sex painful or uncomfortable for menopausal women. As she explains in her TED Talk, "The Bedroom Gap," these changes are a normal part of aging, but they're rarely discussed openly. The good news, according to Dr. Sophocles, is that there are safe and effective treatments available – but many women aren't availing themselves of these options due to lack of information or misplaced fears about the risks of estrogen therapy.
You can watch Dr. Sophocles' TED Talk here:
Dispelling Myths and Fears Around Estrogen: A Game-Changer for Menopausal Women
One of the most powerful tools in Dr. Sophocles' arsenal for addressing menopausal sexual discomfort is local vaginal estrogen. However, she finds that many women are hesitant to use it due to misinformation and fear-mongering around the risks of estrogen therapy in general.
As she clarifies, vaginal estrogen is not the same as systemic estrogen and has a completely different safety profile:
"Vaginal estrogen is literally liquid gold... This is a way for you and I to go from 50 to 90 with very little change, rather than the dramatic change that we see."
Dr. Sophocles emphasizes that with rare exceptions, vaginal estrogen is safe for virtually any woman to use, regardless of family history of breast cancer or other risk factors. And the benefits extend beyond sexual comfort to urinary and bladder health as well.
Taking Action: Simple Steps to Prioritize Pleasure
So what can women do to start bridging the bedroom gap and reclaiming their right to sexual pleasure? Dr. Sophocles offers several actionable tips:
- Start a self-pleasure practice, with or without toys, focusing on sensorial experience rather than just genital stimulation
- Talk to your partner openly about your changing needs and desires, framing it as an opportunity to explore and expand your sexual repertoire together
- Don't accept pain or discomfort as an inevitable part of aging – seek out a menopause specialist who will listen to your concerns and offer safe, effective solutions
- Remember that your partner likely still finds you deeply attractive, even if your body has changed with age – embrace your sensuality and eroticism
The Way Forward: Empowering Midlife Women to Embrace Pleasure
Ultimately, Dr. Sophocles' message is one of empowerment and entitlement to pleasure at every age and stage of life. By breaking the silence around the sexual changes of menopause, equipping women with practical knowledge and tools, and encouraging open communication between partners, she believes we can create a world where the bedroom gap is a thing of the past.
As she puts it, "I think we need more Gabriella Espinosas out there organizing things and more Maria Sophocles organizing things, literally as organizers, not necessarily as experts, but to be able to give quality space... to share our stories, find commonality, find support, and take away the stigma and shame because we realize we're not alone."
The path forward is clear – it's time for midlife women to prioritize their pleasure, advocate for their sexual health, and embrace their power. With experts like Dr. Sophocles leading the charge, that future is closer than ever.
About our guest: Maria Sophocles is a gynecologist whose mission is to address gender inequality in the bedroom - what she terms "The Bedroom Gap" -- by educating men and women about the sexual changes of menopause, and by fostering open conversations around female sexuality. She believes sex should be about pleasure as well as procreation and that we remain rather universally trapped in a centuries old model of sex for male pleasure.
About the guest
Dr. Maria SophoclesOB-GYN, author of The Bedroom Gap2 episodes with Dr. Maria Sophocles on Pleasure in the Pause.See all their episodes
